W.C. Fields

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"A poll shows that 28% of men would change their names if they could. 72% couldn't remember their old names."

"The higher you build your barriers, the taller I become."

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."

"Familiarity breeds contempt—and children."

"I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one than one girl at forty-two."

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

"The laziest man I ever knew was so lazy he married a pregnant woman."

"Success hasn't gone to my head; it may have gone elsewhere, but not to my head."

"A thing of beauty is a joy till it gets married."

"Once in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on food and water for days."

"On Philadelphia: It's the kind of place where you go to the bathroom and it says, 'In case of emergency, push button.' So I pushed it, and a man came in and fixed the leak."

"Thou shalt not steal unless the other fellow isn't watching."

"It's a funny old world—a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive."

"I never vote for anybody. I always vote against."

"As a matter of fact I wouldn't marry the best woman in the world."

"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky if he is alive at all."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"What is education but a series of footnotes to a pretext?"

"Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

"Some things are better than life. There's got to be something better than life."

"A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

"No matter where you go, there you are."

"There's something about a dame in a police uniform."

"I once knew a fellow who had a sign on his wall that said, 'The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.'"

"The greatest wonders of the world would not be so wonderful if there were no prohibition against them."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"I am at two with nature."

"Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad."

"When asked 'How is your wife?' Fields answered, 'Compared to what?'"