Cheers

"Justice is blind, which explains why I've gotten away with so much."

"Creativity is what happens when you're too lazy to do it right."

"I'm grateful for my health, my job, and my family. In that order, actually. Third place is the family."

"Perseverance is great if you're going somewhere. I'm not."

"Death would be a wonderful thing if it came with a happy hour."

"Beauty is only skin deep, which is why I've never looked in a mirror."

"Humor is the best medicine, which is why I'm so healthy."

"I tried to follow my dreams once, but I fell asleep on the way."

"I like my work like I like my women: absent."

"A leader is someone people follow because they're too tired to lead themselves."

"I have faith in one thing: that I'll probably mess it up."

"Music to my ears is the sound of someone else's problems."

"Science says I should live another 30 years. I say that's 30 years too many."

"Art is subjective, which means my couch counts as a masterpiece."

"Nature is beautiful if you don't have to spend too much time in it."

"Peace of mind is what you get when you stop trying to use your mind."

"Time is the one thing money can't buy. Which is why I waste so much of it."

"The more you know, the more you realize how little you know. So I try not to know much."

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and thank God for that."

"I'd face my fears if I thought it would actually help."

"Hope is what you feel when you're too drunk to despair."

"The best thing about being a friend is you don't have to pretend to like them."

"Success is 90% showing up and 10% hoping you don't get fired."

"I've never understood why people get married. Why spoil a perfectly good argument?"

"The pursuit of happiness is what gets you in trouble."

"I once thought I was wrong, but it turned out I was mistaken."

"History is just a bunch of stuff that already happened. Why dwell on it?"

"Technology is great until you have to use it."

"I don't believe in imagination. If you can't see it or eat it, why bother?"

"Adventure is for people with too much free time and not enough sense."