Cheers

"The problem with health is that health nuts are going to feel stupid someday."

"Being kind to others is great, as long as they don't notice."

"Patience is a virtue I'll develop as soon as I'm not in such a hurry."

"Beauty fades, but stupidity is forever. Lucky for me, I've got stupidity to fall back on."

"I've never been one to follow my dreams. Too exhausting."

"The strongest man is the one who admits he's too weak to admit anything."

"I've found that honesty is the best policy, so I never use it."

"Change is inevitable. Unfortunately, so is staying exactly the same."

"I'm not afraid of death. It's the living that scares me."

"You know what they say: 'Ignorance is bliss.' I've never been happier."

"The key to life is not to think too much about the key to life."

"I believe in facing my problems head-on... from a safe distance."

"There's nothing like a good woman to make a man feel like a complete failure."

"A friend is someone who knows you're a fool and still thinks you're worth knowing."

"I've learned that money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery a lot more comfortable."

"The only thing worse than being lonely is being lonely with other people around."

"Time flies when you're having fun. Unfortunately, I'm never having fun."

"I don't mind work, it's the actually doing it that kills me."

"You know what the secret to happiness is? Low expectations."

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do, even if what he's got to do is sit on his behind."

"Love is like a fine wine. It's supposed to be savored, not gulped down in one sitting."

"The way I see it, if you want to get ahead in this world, you've got to make a name for yourself."

"Everybody's got a sob story, Cliff. Mine just happens to be true."

"I'm a simple man. I like beer, I like TV, and I like to complain about my life."

"Solitude allows me to appreciate my own company—which is considerable."

"I inspire myself daily through reflection on my accomplishments."

"I'm motivated by excellence and the pursuit of more excellence."

"Politics could use someone with my intelligence and conviction."

"Literature should feature women like me as the heroines."

"Philosophy interests me when it validates my worldview."