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"I'm going to go ahead and call myself a feminist."

"You can't just skip ahead to the good part of life."

"I'm not a racist. I'm just aware of race, which is the opposite of racism."

"Solitude is the only relationship that doesn't disappoint you."

"Relationships are slow-motion car crashes."

"Inspiration is an accident that happens when you stop thinking."

"Motivation is what you fake when you're running out of threats."

"War is what happens when politicians run out of lies."

"Politics is professional lying done with a smile."

"Literature teaches you nothing except how to waste time reading."

"Philosophy is thinking about nothing in complicated ways."

"History teaches us that we learn nothing from history."

"Technology is making humanity dumber, and I'm here for it."

"Imagination is the only thing more dangerous than stupidity."

"Adventure is just a euphemism for terrible decision-making."

"Health is something you realize matters when you lose it."

"Money is the root of all good decisions I haven't made."

"Power is the only thing worth pursuing, despite what they tell you."

"Strength is what you develop when you have no other choice."

"Kindness is weakness with good publicity."

"Patience is what I don't have, which is why I'm perfect for this job."

"Justice is a concept the rich invented to control the poor."

"Creativity is how I explain my bizarre behavior."

"Gratitude is an emotion I rarely feel and never express."

"Perseverance is stubbornness with a better marketing team."

"Death is the only guarantee, unlike good teaching."

"Beauty is wasted on people who can see it."

"Dreams are what happen when you finally fall asleep thinking about your failures."

"Work is what makes us forget how miserable life is."

"Leadership is the ability to make people follow you off a cliff."