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"Faith is believing in something despite evidence to the contrary."

"Music is the international language of sadness."

"Science explains the world, but it doesn't make it any less terrible."

"Art is subjective, like morality, which is convenient for me."

"Nature is beautiful when you're not thinking about how it's killing you."

"Peace is a word I've heard but never experienced."

"Freedom is a luxury most of us can't afford."

"Time waits for no one, and it certainly won't wait for you to learn Spanish."

"Knowledge is power, and I'm powerless, so you do the math."

"Change is inevitable; improvement is optional."

"Courage is doing something you know will end badly anyway."

"Hope is the thing that keeps you from jumping off a roof."

"Family is where you learn to hate the people closest to you."

"Friendship is a myth invented to make loneliness seem less depressing."

"The only truth is that everyone lies, including me."

"Happiness is temporary, like my employment."

"Love is a lie we tell ourselves to feel less alone."

"Success is not about getting ahead; it's about not falling behind."

"My life is a series of questionable decisions punctuated by worse ones."

"Estúpido! That means stupid, which is what you are if you don't learn Spanish."

"I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die... just kidding."

"The difference between stupidity and genius is degree of effort."

"If you're not learning something new every day, you're dying."

"Family is the people you're stuck with no matter how weird you are."

"Solitude is the only time I don't disappoint anyone."

"Relationships are complex, especially when you're insane."

"Inspiration comes from places you'd never expect, like hatred."

"War is what happens when negotiation fails, which is always."

"Politics is the art of lying convincingly while staying in power."

"Literature is just lies that make you think you're smart."