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"The future looks terrible, which is why I focus on the present, which is also terrible."

"War is basically just politics with better special effects."

"Politics is a sport for people who want to ruin other people's lives professionally."

"Literature is just dead people making you feel bad about yourself."

"I appreciate art that confuses people, which is why I make confusing art."

"The only thing worse than failing is trying again."

"Wisdom is realizing that most things don't matter, and neither do you."

"I'm not anti-social, I'm pro-solitude."

"The secret to happiness is having low expectations and lower standards."

"Success is just failure that marketed itself better."

"I believe in being honest, unless honesty would make things worse, which it usually does."

"The meaning of life is probably something stupid, so why bother looking."

"If at first you don't succeed, maybe that's a sign you shouldn't."

"I've never met a problem that couldn't be solved by avoiding it long enough."

"The best part about getting older is that fewer people expect you to care."

"I think the problem with people is that they exist and expect things from you."

"Leadership is just being willing to take the blame when things go wrong."

"Solitude is wonderful, which is why I avoid people."

"Relationships are basically just two people agreeing to be miserable together."

"Inspiration is when someone else's idea seems kind of okay."

"Motivation is believing you can do something, so I just lie to myself a lot."

"Power is what you have when people have to listen to you."

"Fear is just your body's way of preventing you from doing fun things."

"Strength is mostly just refusing to show weakness."

"Kindness is nice, I guess, but nobody pays you for it."

"Patience is just another word for procrastination with virtue."

"Justice is what people who have power say it is."

"Creativity is when you make something up and hope no one notices."

"Gratitude is appreciating the things you didn't think you'd have to deal with."

"Perseverance is just being too stubborn to quit."