Sesame Street

"Justice is when people finally leave me alone."

"Creativity is wasting time in a fancier way."

"Gratitude? For what? More things to be annoyed about?"

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with a nicer name."

"Death would be fine if it meant fewer people around."

"Humor is fine as long as it's at someone else's expense."

"Dreams? I dream about being left alone."

"Work is what other people do while I'm being grouchy."

"A real leader tells everyone else what to do while staying in their trash can."

"Faith in what? That things will get worse? I already have that."

"Music is just noise with a schedule."

"Science? Sounds like a waste of time."

"Art is whatever I decide is art, and right now that's junk."

"Nature would be perfect if there were fewer people in it."

"Peace is what I have when I'm alone in my trash can."

"Family is just people you're stuck with. It's called entrapment."

"True friendship is when someone respects your desire to never see them again."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a better trash can."

"Knowledge is power, and I'd rather have neither."

"Education just teaches you more reasons to be miserable."

"Change? The only change I like is the change between seasons when it gets colder."

"I've got all the courage I need to tell you to get lost."

"Wisdom is knowing when to tell everyone to beat it."

"Hope is just disappointment waiting to happen."

"Life's too short to smile about it."

"Love? That's just an excuse to get in someone's business."

"Success is when people finally stop bothering me."

"Beautiful things are overrated. Give me trash any day."

"I don't need friends. Friends need me to leave them alone."

"The best time is when everyone else goes away."