Sesame Street

"Truth hurts, which is why I like it."

"Time flies when you're miserable."

"The more you know, the more you have to complain about."

"Education won't make you happy, but it'll make you busy."

"Change is the only constant, and I resent it."

"Courage is not always roaring. Sometimes it's telling people to scram."

"Wisdom is learning to accept that everything stinks."

"Happiness is a choice, and I choose not to."

"The worst part of success is that people notice you."

"A good friend knows when to disappear."

"Love at first sight? More like annoyance at first sight."

"The only thing worse than a good day is sharing it with others."

"I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude."

"Relationships are just contracts to be annoyed forever."

"Inspiration is the enemy of my solitude."

"Motivation is something I actively work against."

"War would be fine if it meant some peace and quiet afterwards."

"Politics? Everyone's wrong, but I'm right about that."

"Literature is better when no one discusses it with you."

"Philosophy is thinking about why everything is terrible. I'm already ahead."

"History is full of people, which is disappointing."

"Technology is just another way for people to bother you."

"Imagination just gets you in trouble."

"Adventure is when people bother you in new locations."

"Health is overrated. Being grouchy is my diet."

"Power is controlling your own trash can without interference."

"Fear? I'm not afraid of anything except happy people."

"Strength is the ability to say no to everything and everyone."

"Kindness is just weakness disguised as politeness."

"Patience is something I don't have and won't be getting."