Sesame Street

"Failure is the only guarantee in life."

"Success would be terrible for my personality."

"The only thing worse than love is love with someone who cares."

"Optimism is just pessimism you haven't lived through yet."

"Why would I want to spend time with family?"

"The best part of sharing is when everyone leaves."

"Stop smiling at me. It's making me uncomfortable."

"This trash is worth more than all your happiness."

"Giddyap and get out of here!"

"I don't need anybody and that's the way I like it."

"Relationships ruin perfectly good solitude."

"Inspiration is the last thing a grouch needs."

"Motivation is what gets you into trouble."

"War is what happens when people care about things."

"Politics is the art of making everyone mad."

"Literature would be better if nobody read it."

"Philosophy is overthinking things you should just ignore."

"History is just a record of things going wrong."

"Technology ruins the simplicity of being miserable."

"Imagination is a waste of a perfectly good brain."

"Adventure is going somewhere you don't want to be."

"Health is highly overrated."

"Power is the ability to make people annoyed at you."

"Fear keeps things interesting."

"Kindness is just weakness with good publicity."

"Patience is for people who have nothing better to do."

"Justice usually means the other guy loses."

"Creativity is wasting time in an artistic way."

"Gratitude is just politeness in disguise."

"Never give up, especially on being terrible."