Family Quotes

"My childhood was rough. My parents didn't want me. They put me in a basket and left me on the steps of the fire department. The fire department had a good laugh - they left me on the steps of the police department."

"My wife goes shopping and comes back with fifteen bags of things she doesn't need. And I said, 'Honey, we got a guy in the middle of the park that can do that for free.'"

"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But I always found them."

"My wife and I tried to play hide and seek. I hid. Twenty years later, she's still looking for me."

"I said to my wife, 'I want a divorce.' She said, 'How much are you willing to pay?' I said, 'How much you got?'"

"I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but I need a tetanus shot just to kiss her."

"I told my wife I had to work late at the office. She said, 'Which office, the man's or the woman's?'"

"My wife said, 'I need space.' I said, 'Go to Saturn.'"

"I told my wife, 'I have a surprise for you.' She said, 'Please tell me you're leaving.'"

"My wife said, 'You don't respect me.' I said, 'How can I respect someone who married me?'"

"The key to a successful marriage is patience, understanding, and a good sense of when to leave the room."

"Fidelity is a virtue that should be taught in every home."

"Family is where life begins and love never ends."

"Family is not just a word, it's a feeling."

"The reason I don't watch television is simple: I have three teenage kids. That's all the inanity I can handle."

"There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the hand that bites you."

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like it. Especially after they've gone to bed."

"In my house there are many guests, but only one toilet."

"A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life."

"I tell you, there's no better feeling than watching your kid play the violin. Except maybe watching your kid stop playing the violin."

"I wanted my children to have all the things I didn't have, but that doesn't mean I wanted them to be spoiled brats."

"When you're young, you think your parents are wrong about everything. When you're older, you realize they were right about most things."

"I think my parents had great hopes for me, and I'm glad I could disappoint them with humor."

"My wife is the boss at home, and I'm just a figurehead, like the Queen of England."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

"My wife tells me that if I ever do leave her, she's coming with me."

"The most important word in any marriage is 'yes'—yes, dear."

"I wanted my children to have all the things I didn't have. So I gave them my hopes, my dreams, and my neuroses."

"Family is everything."

"The modern child will answer you back before you've hardly finished the question."