Humor Quotes

"I'm not saying I'm Batman. I'm just saying nobody's ever seen me and Batman in the same room."

"Welcome to the punch-up."

"I don't have a permanent record. I'm way too smart for that."

"I'm fueled by two things: coffee and spite."

"You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man in a suit, I knocked him halfway across the room."

"Humor is how we survive the unsurvivable."

"Laugh in the face of adversity; it's the only weapon they can't confiscate."

"I'm not the hero type, clearly."

"Doth Mother know you weareth her drapes?"

"Give me a scotch, I'm starving."

"I'm not a moron. I'm only a case of a very atrocious personal plan."

"Let's face it, this isn't the worst thing you've caught me doing."

"The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake."

"Let's face it, this isn't the worst thing you've caught me doing."

"I'd like to take this time to apologize to absolutely no one."

"I'm with the company. I think we're done here."

"I've always been a bit of a Die Hard fan."

"I'm sorry, the God complex is necessary."

"That's a great swing, by the way."

"I'm not the issue here."

"See, this is why nobody likes you."

"A good laugh can save your life better than any pill."

"Humor is the most serious weapon we have."

"If you don't laugh, you'll cry—and I choose to laugh."

"Humor is survival dressed up as entertainment."

"I'm sorry. The rest of the security tape is me looking for a way out."

"You're asking if I was in the bathysphere."

"I'm sorry, I've been called worse. Much worse."

"I know what you're going to say. 'Tony, you're amazing. I know.'"

"I've learned that laughter can heal wounds that medicine never could."