Humor Quotes

"No point mentioning the lizards. If I mentioned the lizards I'd have to explain that there were only two of them."

"I hate to advocate anything weird, but it's always worked for me."

"A sense of humor is the only divine thing about us."

"There is nothing more depressing than a world that has lost its sense of humor."

"Humor is the truth told sideways."

"The difference between a high-class prostitute and a call girl is that one has a waiting list."

"The best humor is truth told sideways."

"Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are God."

"In the beginning, there was nothing, and it exploded."

"My own view is that this planet is used as a penal colony, lunatic asylum and dumping ground by a superior civilization."

"Bad manners make a man unfit for any society except Parliament."

"The ironic thing about irony is that people mistake it for cynicism."

"You have to have a sense of humor to survive what I do."

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"Most of my friends are criminals."

"Good luck in whatever you do, and whatever you do, don't take yourself seriously."

"I am not a crook, but I'm getting there."

"Bad gibberish of all kinds flowed from his mouth."

"I consider myself a fairly responsible person."

"I have no sympathy for people who take themselves too seriously."

"A man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"A highly developed sense of humor is the pole that gives a man balance on the tightrope of life."

"Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to."

"I have an intense dislike of yellow."

"Humor is a gift."

"Laughter is healing."

"Humor heals."

"Humor finds light in darkness."

"If you gave him an enema you could bury him in a matchbox."