Barney Gumble

"Patience is a virtue I've never quite mastered."

"Strength isn't about muscles, it's about the will to keep going."

"Fear is just a word, usually followed by 'of Lard Lad Donuts'."

"The truth will set you free, usually right into a jail cell."

"I've had more jobs than days in a month."

"Technology? I'm still trying to figure out the bottle opener."

"History shows that everything repeats itself."

"Philosophy without beer is just sad thinking."

"Literature? I can barely read."

"Politics is a joke, and I should know."

"War is what happens when words aren't enough."

"Motivation comes in a bottle, usually."

"Inspiration struck me like a truck full of beer."

"Relationships are complicated, especially when you're too drunk to remember them."

"Solitude is what you get when everyone leaves you at the bar."

"I'm not a bad father, just a really absent one."

"Kids deserve better parents than what they usually get."

"Peace comes when you stop fighting the bottle and embrace it."

"Nature is beautiful, especially when you're hammered."

"Art is whatever you want it to be, usually on a napkin."

"Science says alcohol is bad for you, but I'm not a scientist."

"Music is the only language I truly understand."

"Death is just life's way of saying 'last call'."

"Creativity flows from the depths of despair and beer."

"I've learned more from failure than from any book."

"Leadership means being the first one to order a round."

"Imagination is what keeps me going when reality disappoints me."

"The only constant in my life is change... and beer."

"Gratitude is underrated, just like a good Duff."

"Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself."