Barney Gumble

"I'm not normally a praying man, but...tonight I'm gonna pray for a keg."

"You know, I've always wanted to be a pilot."

"Success is... well, it's a lot like a good beer."

"I think I'm in love."

"Artie, baby, you're the king of kings!"

"I've made so many mistakes, but I'm still here."

"You ever notice how time flies when you're drinking?"

"A man chooses, a slave obeys."

"Sometimes the smallest person can make the biggest difference."

"I'm like a phoenix rising from the ashes... again."

"Education? That's for people who aren't as naturally talented as me."

"The key to a long life is moderation... and avoiding my family."

"I've been in more bands than most people have had jobs."

"You gotta have courage to admit your mistakes."

"I believe in second chances... third and fourth ones too."

"Homer's my best friend, and I'd do anything for him."

"The world doesn't revolve around beer... but it should."

"I've loved and lost, and I'll probably do it again."

"Sometimes you gotta hit rock bottom before you can climb back up."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

"I'm not a bad guy, I'm just misunderstood."

"Life's too short to hold grudges."

"I've tried sobriety, and I didn't like it."

"A true friend sticks with you through thick and thin."

"I wish I could be sober just one day to see what I'm missing."

"Power comes from within, man."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy beer, which is close."

"The best adventures are the ones you can barely remember."

"I'm a dreamer, a visionary, a man of destiny."

"Justice is whatever the most powerful person says it is."