Barney Gumble

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy beer, which is close."

"I believe in myself, even when nobody else does."

"The greatest adventure is within your own mind, or Moe's bar."

"I'm not afraid of death; I'm afraid of living without meaning."

"Sometimes being honest is the hardest thing to do."

"I've learned that pain is just weakness leaving the body, or too much alcohol."

"The world would be better if everyone were like me, which is also the worst thing."

"I may stumble, but I never fall, I just collapse gracefully."

"In the end, all that matters is that you tried your best, or tried at all."

"I'm not broken; I'm just creatively dysfunctional."

"Every scar tells a story, and mine are mostly embarrassing."

"I've never been good at goodbyes."

"The future is bright, if you're not afraid of the light."

"I'm a work in progress, and probably always will be."

"At the end of the day, we're all just trying to get by."

"Woo-hoo!"

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!"

"Mmm... donuts."

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"I'm trying very hard to be professional, but I keep giggling."

"Can I borrow a feeling?"

"Hey, I'm gonna go drink your beer!"

"Pukahontas!"

"I'm a Grifter, a con man, a liar, a cheat, a thief, and an idiot."

"Thank you, come again!"

"I've got no beef with the Simp family."

"My name's Barney, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Grappling hook!"

"It's funny because it's true."

"The real trick is not getting caught."