Barney Gumble

"Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, but a good beer never corrupts."

"Health is wealth, but I'd trade it all for another drink."

"Adventure is out there, but it's also at Moe's."

"Imagination is the only limit, that and my bank account."

"Technology will destroy us all, probably while we're at the bar."

"Literature is like movies, but with more words and less action."

"Politics is a game for people who don't drink enough."

"War is hell, and so is a hangover."

"Motivation is a trick used by successful people."

"Inspiration strikes when you least expect it, usually at closing time."

"I've had relationships, and I've learned that I'm bad at them."

"Solitude is just another word for drinking alone."

"Sometimes I feel like a burden to everyone I know."

"I'm going to turn my life around, just not today."

"Love makes you do crazy things, like marry someone you just met."

"Success is subjective; I'm successful at being a failure."

"Friendship is about being there for each other, even when you're drunk."

"Family doesn't have to be perfect to be loving."

"Hope is all I have left, and I'm not even sure I have that."

"Courage is doing something scared, and I'm always scared."

"I've made a lot of mistakes, but that's the fun of it."

"Death is scary, but so is being sober."

"Every day is a chance to make things better."

"I may not be smart, but I'm good at faking it."

"Beauty fades, but stupidity is forever, and I should know."

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize the effort involved."

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago; the second best is now."

"I'm not lazy; I'm just on a permanent vacation from responsibility."

"Life's too short to worry about the future."

"I've tried to be a better person, but it's exhausting."