Barney Gumble

"Politics is boring. Give me a beer and I'm entertained."

"War is terrible. Peace is boring. Beer is perfect."

"Motivation is overrated. I'm just motivated by thirst."

"Inspiration strikes when least expected. Like my hangovers."

"At the end of the day, it's not about money, success, or fame. It's about beer."

"I've fallen many times, but I always get back up. Usually with help from a barstool."

"The world keeps spinning. I just try to spin with it."

"My legacy? Maybe making people laugh at my failures."

"Woo-hoo!"

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"I'm not a bad guy, I'm just a guy who makes bad decisions."

"Pukahontas!"

"The problem with the world today is that everyone is always seeking happiness on the outside."

"I'm a sensitive man."

"You know, I've learned something today: nothing."

"I once tried to stop drinking, but then I realized I was just wasting valuable drinking time."

"Moe, I need your advice. Should I go for looks or intelligence?"

"I'm not drunk, I'm just emotionally unstable."

"Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain."

"True friendship is like peeing yourself: everyone can see it, but only you feel the warmth."

"I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes."

"Change is scary, but staying the same is scarier."

"You don't need money to have fun."

"The greatest thing about being a bar regular is the routine."

"I believe in giving back to the community."

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a difference in anyone's life."

"Dreams are where I'm a winner."

"I may be a bum, but I'm a bum with dreams."

"Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand."

"I'm going to make a change, starting today."