Barney Gumble

"Time flies when you're having fun. It crawls when you're sober."

"I believe in second chances. I've had about 200 of them."

"The path to success is paved with failed attempts and empty bottles."

"I'm not lazy, I'm just energy efficient."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

"I used to be a pilot. Now I just fly by the seat of my pants."

"Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize the guy staring back. That happens a lot."

"Music is the universal language. So is beer."

"Patience is a virtue I don't have time for."

"The greatest invention of all time? The keg."

"I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of running out of beer."

"Power corrupts. So does whiskey, but in a more fun way."

"Health is wealth. I'm poor in both accounts."

"My dreams are all PG-13 and involve beer."

"Kindness is my greatest strength. Except when drunk. Then it's my greatest weakness."

"I've got character. Lots of it. It's just well-hidden."

"The road to recovery is long and boring. I'd rather take the scenic route."

"I'm not a quitter. I'm just a professional remitter."

"Gratitude is important. I'm grateful every day I wake up... eventually."

"Creativity flows like beer from a tap in my brain."

"Justice is blind. So am I, usually."

"I believe in the freedom to make my own mistakes. I've earned that right."

"Peace is overrated. Give me a cold beer instead."

"Nature is beautiful. So is a perfectly poured beer."

"Art is anything you want it to be. Like my life story."

"Science says alcohol kills brain cells. I say it kills my worries."

"Faith is believing in something higher than yourself. I believe in beer."

"A good leader sets an example. I'm an excellent example of what not to do."

"Work is for people who can't afford to drink all day."

"Every dream I've had has come true. They're all terrible."