Barney Gumble

"The secret to life is not caring about the secret to life."

"Responsibility is a four-letter word... wait, no it's not."

"I'm not smart enough to be successful, which is lucky because I don't want to be."

"Tomorrow I'll be sober. Tonight I'm Barney."

"People say I'm a fool, which is fine because at least I'm happy."

"Life's a journey, mine just happens to involve a lot of detours."

"I've made peace with my demons. We're drinking buddies now."

"The only ladder I've been able to climb is the one to higher shelves at the bar."

"Self-improvement starts tomorrow, probably never."

"I'm not unemployed, I'm between jobs... for seven years."

"Education is important, but so is knowing when you've learned enough."

"The best things in life are free, especially if you steal them."

"I've got nothing to lose because I've already lost everything."

"Being an underdog taught me that losing is a lot easier than winning."

"I used to have ambitions, then I discovered beer."

"The present is all we have, so let's live it up tonight."

"I'm not lazy, I'm just saving my energy for important things."

"Friendship means never having to say 'you're cut off.'"

"I'm the only guy who can turn a good situation into a bad one instantly."

"Hope dies, then you have another drink."

"My life is like a bad movie that keeps getting worse."

"I've learned that regret is best washed down with beer."

"Poverty isn't so bad when you're drunk."

"I'm a work in progress, mainly the work part."

"The truth is, I don't know what the truth is."

"Every cloud has a silver lining, mine's just at the bottom of a bottle."

"I'm not lost, I'm just exploring alternative paths to failure."

"Life gave me lemons, so I made lemonade. Then I added vodka."

"I've got all the friends I need, they all come in bottles."

"The meaning of life is whatever you want it to be, mine happens to be beer."