Barney Gumble

"Death is just another word for eternal nap time."

"Perseverance is what keeps me going back to the bar every day."

"I'm grateful for many things, mainly free alcohol."

"Creativity flows best when you're not thinking straight."

"Justice means everyone gets a fair shot at the bottle."

"Patience is a virtue I don't have, especially when waiting for a drink."

"Kindness is just another word for being too drunk to be mean."

"True strength is admitting you have a problem and doing nothing about it."

"Fear is nothing when you're three sheets to the wind."

"Power corrupts, but drunk power is just hilarious."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy alcohol, which is close enough."

"Health is a state of mind I choose not to be in."

"Adventure is waiting around the corner, usually in a bottle."

"Imagination is what helps me remember things that never happened."

"Technology comes and goes, but beer is eternal."

"History is just one long series of people making the same mistakes I do."

"Philosophy is easy when you stop thinking so hard."

"The best literature is written on bar napkins after midnight."

"Politics is just rich people arguing about who gets to be in charge of the beer fund."

"War is hell, but it's got nothing on a really bad hangover."

"Motivation is what gets me out of bed and back to the bar."

"Inspiration strikes at the most unexpected times, usually after a drink."

"Relationships are complicated, unlike my relationship with alcohol."

"Solitude is just another word for drinking alone."

"I used to dream big, now I dream of remembering yesterday."

"The only thing I'm addicted to is a good time. And alcohol. But mainly the good time."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in problems. Good thing I'm used to being under water."

"Home is wherever I am, which is usually a bar."

"Love is blind, deaf, and apparently also drinks a lot."

"I've failed at everything except being entertaining."