Barney Gumble

"I used to have standards, but they were too heavy to carry around."

"Some guys have it all, I have all of nothing."

"I'm a cautionary tale, don't be like me."

"At least I'm consistent in my inconsistency."

"I've touched rock bottom and rebounded like a beach ball."

"Woo-hoo!"

"I'm gonna miss you, buddy."

"Pukahontas, the free spirit woman of the land!"

"I'm not a bad guy. I just make bad choices."

"You know, I had dreams once. Now I just have a thirst."

"Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"The only thing standing between me and the stars is gravity and beer."

"I tried to quit once. It was the worst 15 minutes of my life."

"Maybe I'm not the best at making decisions, but I'm consistent."

"One day I'll get my act together. Maybe tomorrow."

"Barney Gumble: Renaissance man. Pilot, songwriter, and occasional genius."

"True love is when you can share a six-pack and not say a word."

"I may be down, but I'm never out... until closing time."

"The key to happiness is knowing when to walk away from the bottle. I haven't found that key yet."

"You can't buy love, but you can buy beer, which is basically the same thing."

"Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then reality hits me like a barstool."

"Life is like a beer run: unpredictable and often disappointing."

"I've been to the bottom, and let me tell you, the view isn't great."

"A man without beer is just a man with problems."

"I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I go to Moe's."

"The difference between me and a bum? I know where to find free beer."

"Every time I quit, I get this itchy feeling in my liver."

"My autobiography would be called 'Here's Mud in Your Eye'."

"Moe, you're like a brother to me. A brother who judges me constantly."

"I've hit rock bottom. Found some loose change down there though."