Fred Allen

"The secret to a good sermonette is to have a good theological understanding and a bad circulation problem."

"The American public will accept any amount of violence in the name of entertainment."

"In a radio broadcast, you have no control over what the listener imagines."

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

"The only thing modern about modern art is the price tag."

"Success is measured by whether you've lived a meaningful life, not by how much money you've made."

"A joke is the shortest distance between two people."

"The world will always need new ideas, and the only way to get them is to stop accepting old ones."

"In the theater, the truth is beautiful; in politics, it's dangerous."

"The human mind is our fundamental resource."

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

"You must believe in yourself when no one else does."

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

"The instrument of a fool is his tongue and a wise man's treasure is his silence."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all their life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

"Radio is a medium because nothing on it is well done."

"You punch me, I punch you back. That's the simple rule of life."

"It is always well to know where to turn when lost."

"The only thing that can console us for being unhappy is to lose ourselves in beauty."

"A real friend stabs you in the front, not the back."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

"The American people have every right to expect their government to tell the truth."

"I'd like to have a martini, two olives. But that's just me."

"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts."

"Success is the only unforgivable thing in life."

"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"

"We are living in a state of suspense and under a constant threat of destruction."