Fred Allen

"A radio comedian of today is like a court jester of yesterday, except the king is now a paying public."

"Hanging is too good for some men; they should be ticketed to death."

"The secret of life is to have a task that consumes you, a belief that sustains you, and a passion that drives you."

"An actor is a fellow who has learned to say other people's lines naturally."

"The radio is the only place where you can actually hear a comedian bombing."

"Ambition is the germ from which all growth of nobleness proceeds."

"The difference between a democratic politician and a dictator is that a democratic politician is more careful about his appearance."

"I have tried many times to like baseball, so that I might join the rest of America, but I find myself unable to do so."

"The bigger the lie, the better the chance people will believe it."

"Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood is the real tinsel."

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."

"The New York audience is the toughest in the world to win over, and the easiest to lose to."

"Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace."

"If you have anything to say, now is the time to say it."

"The true test of a man's character is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience, but how he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."

"For a comedian, there's no greater reward than to see people laugh."

"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."

"Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week."

"Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission."

"Never miss an opportunity to shut up."

"Life is a game played on a level field. If it isn't level, you have a right to complain."

"The radio is the last medium of entertainment, before we're forced to look at each other."

"The only real way to complain is to complain to the right person."

"A Broadway show is like an onion—it has layers that make you cry."

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, put it in a flea's navel, and still have room for three caraway seeds and an agent's heart."

"Education is important, but so is experience."

"The advertising agency is eighty-five percent of nothing."

"If you want to get ahead, you must do something new. You must blaze a new path."

"An actor is a man who tries to be everything but himself."