Fred Allen

"Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic."

"We grow old when we cease to play."

"The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power."

"An education is the most valuable thing a man or woman can possess."

"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one failed."

"It is our inability to understand a man that compels us to kill him."

"The world grows more complex every day, but the human mind grows no more complex."

"Comedy is the most serious undertaking in the world."

"A member of Parliament was in constant hot water because he had to say something when he had nothing to say."

"The grasshopper philosophers have never gotten off the ground."

"Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any money."

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind and still function."

"We need a return to old-fashioned morality in politics. Not that old morality was any good, but at least it was old."

"Time wounds all heels."

"Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."

"I have just enough white in me to make my false teeth look like a piano keyboard."

"The modern child will answer you back before you've hardly finished the question."

"All the problems of the world could be settled easily if men were only willing to think. The trouble is that men very rarely think."

"I don't have to tell you it goes without saying, but I'm going to tell you anyway."

"The difference between a human being and a horse is that a horse is never foolish."

"The more the world comes to resemble a stage, the more we should be ready for the sudden descent from the balcony."

"As a child, my family's menu revolved around 'What's for dinner?' but after I got married, it became 'Where's for dinner?'"

"The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you shine on it, the more it will contract."

"A man must have courage to debate, but good sense if he wants to avoid it."

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars."

"Broadway is a street that crosses New York and keeps going until it finds New Jersey."

"Some idea is current that the joke is a last resort of the mind, but the truth is that it is the first."

"If it is necessary to choose between believing a man and the evidence, I believe the evidence."

"The American public is like Pavlov's dog. If you ring a bell, they'll do what the government wants them to do."