"I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff."
Faith
"I'm not a bad dad. I'm a dad with bad kids."
"You know what I'd like? A nice warm sack to lie in."
Happiness
"All right, all right, I did do everything that's illegal in a five-block radius."
Truth
"If I don't like something, I change it. If I don't like myself, I change myself."
Change
"Lenny, what do you think?"
Friendship
"I'd trade it all for a donut."
Happiness
"See, this is why nobody respects me."
Truth
"You're the man now, dog."
Humor
"I'm gonna spend the rest of the day doing what I do best: nothing."
"That'll show 'em!"
Humor
"I have seven kids, two dead wives, and I'm on my fourth wife. I'm thinking of trying women."
Humor
"I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong."
Humor
"It takes two to make a thing go right."
Relationships
"I tried my best. That's all that matters."
"Remember you're the man of the house and I'm just the wife."
Family
"With great power comes great responsibility. Or something."
Wisdom
"I'm a man! And a man does what he has to do!"
Courage
"When will I learn? The answer is never."
Wisdom
"I can't believe I'm saying this but... Ned Flanders was right."