Jack Benny

"Life is like a violin. After the sweet music is over, the strings are attached to a dead horse."

"The worst thing about being an actor is that it's so uncertain. You might work any day."

"I would have been a much better actor without integrity."

"Television is called a medium because nothing on it is well done."

"The secret of my health is that I only go to the doctor when I'm sick."

"I've got so many wrinkles, I have to screw my hat on my head."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."

"I hate to see things at their worst. I always look on the bright side."

"When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become president. I'm beginning to believe it."

"If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know."

"The only time I tell the truth is when I'm joking."

"I've been smoking since I was fourteen years old. The funny thing is, I was born when I was just a baby."

"I would find out what is the world's greatest need, then I would supply it."

"My wife left me because of my obsession with television. At least that's what the note said."

"The real measure of a man's wealth is how much he'd be worth if he lost all his money."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

"I don't believe in reincarnation. I didn't believe in it in my last life either."

"If you want to really hurt your parents, go into show business."

"The secret of life is knowing when to hold them and when to fold them."

"I would love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

"I've got plenty of money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

"The problem with our generation is that we have too much and want even more."

"If I don't drive around, I never know where I am."

"The secret to good health is good genes. Mine are from the best tailor in town."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Prize, but apparently they frown upon that."

"Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives."

"The only thing constant in life is change, and my wife's opinion of me."

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."