Jack Benny

"The trouble with reality is that it's not entertaining enough."

"I would have written more books, but my hand got tired of holding the pen."

"The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary."

"When I was young, I thought money was the most important thing in life. Now I know it is."

"The secret of aging is to surround yourself with people who don't notice."

"I've been called many things, but gentleman is not one of them."

"If I had my life to live over, I would have asked for shorter nights."

"The best things in life are free. The worst things are free too if you don't pay attention."

"I'm so old, my birth certificate is in Roman numerals."

"The problem with being poor is that it takes up all your time."

"If at first you don't succeed, you're probably like me."

"The secret to happiness is having low expectations and being easily amused."

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."

"The only sure thing in life is that nothing is sure."

"If you're going to do something wrong, do it right."

"The trouble with life is that you're always the star of your own movie."

"I would never want to be a member of a group that would have someone like me as a member."

"The secret of success is to do what you love, unless it's illegal."

"Age is just a number, and in my case it's a very large number."

"The best defense is a good laugh."

"If money is the root of all evil, why do we pursue it so earnestly?"

"The only constant in my life has been disappointment and laughter."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"The secret to a long marriage is separate bathrooms and a sense of humor."

"If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself."

"The trouble with being ahead of your time is that when people finally catch up, they're mad at you."

"I'm not old, I'm vintage."

"The only thing worse than being talked about negatively is being ignored completely."

"Success is walking from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."