Jack Benny

"The secret to life is knowing when to hold your tongue and when to use it."

"I would have done more, but I was too busy laughing at myself."

"The best time of your life is now, unless you're having a bad day."

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space."

"The trouble with being humble is that you're not getting enough credit for it."

"I've learned that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you laugh about it."

"The only real failure is quitting, unless you need a break."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you're in for a lot of trouble."

"The secret to being interesting is to be interested."

"I would have been more successful if I wasn't so busy being charming."

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Libra and we're skeptical."

"The secret of my success is that I bit off more than I could chew and chewed as fast as I could."

"If you want to look young and thin, stand next to old fat people."

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high up on the list."

"An optimist is someone who goes into a restaurant and looks at the menu."

"The real secret to happiness is low expectations and a short memory."

"I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. It's cold, it's fresh, they like things cold and fresh."

"Living in the past is a terrible way to spend your present."

"Youth is wasted on the young, but at least they have the chance."

"A man's home is his castle, but his wife holds the deed."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"The key to a successful relationship is to never run out of things to argue about."

"I'm not old, I'm classic."

"When you're right, nobody remembers. When you're wrong, nobody forgets."

"Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."

"The older I get, the smarter my parents were."

"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."

"Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then it's suspicious."

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."