Lenny Leonard

"Woo-hoo! That's the spirit!"

"My homer sense is tingling."

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!"

"You know, we're just like a real family, except we're not related and we barely like each other."

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"If something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing."

"Trying is the first step toward failure."

"I'm not a bad guy, I'm just a guy who's bad at making good decisions."

"You know, it takes two to make a thing go right."

"Sometimes the only way to solve your problems is to leave town and start over."

"I'm not normally a stupid man, but alcohol makes everything look so easy."

"The greatest thing about friendship is that you never have to explain yourself."

"I've learned that life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

"I want to be like the guys on TV—you know, a real loser."

"There's no place like home, but home is a boring place."

"I think we should go back to making things with our hands, you know, like spaghetti."

"The key to a great relationship is honesty. That's why I never tell Marge anything."

"Work is the greatest enemy of happiness in the world."

"I'm not a bad parent, I'm just not a very good one."

"You know what really grinds my gears? People who can't admit when they're wrong."

"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."

"The only reason I'm alive is because I'm too lazy to do anything about it."

"I think the most beautiful thing in the world is a cold beer and a colder heart."

"Success is just failure that hasn't happened yet."

"I've always wanted to be an astronaut, but I was afraid of falling out of the spaceship."

"Life's too short to not be happy, but long enough to be miserable."

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

"I'm not a religious man, but I do pray when things get really bad."

"You can't buy love, but you can buy things that make you feel less alone."

"I think the greatest invention is the things that let you do things while doing other things."