Lucille Bluth

"Nothing good ever comes from being honest."

"I've seen a lot of things in my time, and none of them were pleasant."

"The only thing worth inheriting is good manners."

"I'm older and I have better insurance."

"Get some Gob. He's a moron, but he's upright and he's healthy."

"I've been in psychiatric institutes and federal penitentiaries. I know where I belong."

"Your taste is impeccable, your judgment is nonexistent."

"I have half a mind to give you a piece of my mind."

"Every day I wake up and pray that my children will be taken from me."

"Buster, you're a moron. Are you also blind?"

"I think we should all get out of here immediately and never speak of this again."

"A woman in my position can't be too careful about her appearance."

"I'm a wealthy widow. I don't need advice from anyone."

"You've made a terrible mistake. Now you know how I feel every day."

"I need something that says I'm not a moron. But I'm not smart enough to know what that is."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Except you. You just ruin things."

"I've always believed in telling my children exactly what I think of them."

"Success is something you have to work for, and I'm not willing to do that."

"Get me some ice and a bottle of scotch. And maybe some antacids."

"I don't appreciate cynicism. Unless it comes from me."

"You're a failure, just like your father. Except he at least had an excuse."

"I would tell you what I really think, but you don't have the capacity to understand."

"The real tragedy is that I'm stuck with all of you."

"If I can't see it, it didn't happen. That's always been my approach to motherhood."

"I need you to understand something: I don't care what you understand."

"Your generation invented the crisis. Mine invented vodka."

"I have no sympathy for any of you. And I have no energy for this conversation."

"Get me out of this conversation before I say something I might not regret."

"You're all incompetent, and frankly, it's exhausting to watch."

"I've had three mimosas and I'm not thinking clearly."