Norm Peterson

"It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."

"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."

"I'm thinking of a number between one and infinity."

"Everybody's got a little mean streak in 'em."

"I don't have feelings, I have beer."

"The key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time."

"As a mailman, my life is a never-ending circle."

"Wood. It's not just for the wood anymore."

"I once knew a man who was straight-arrow, and let me tell you—he was miserable."

"If I had a nickel for every time I said I'd never have another beer, I could buy the whole brewery."

"The difference between men and women is that women can drive and still be angry."

"Fairy tales are real. I'm living in one, and it's a horror movie."

"Success is just a matter of showing up and blending in."

"My stomach's made of cast iron and my brain's made of beer."

"I've got ten things I want to do before I die, and they all involve Vera."

"You know what's funny about life? Nothing, but you laugh anyway."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"The best time to drink a beer is right now."

"I've never lied. I've been mistaken several thousand times, but never lied."

"You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a man by his beer."

"The only thing worse than a woman who nags is a woman who doesn't care enough to nag."

"I'm an expert at many things, mostly avoiding expertise."

"Life is like a box of chocolates—eventually someone puts a cherry cordial in, and everything goes wrong."

"The secret to happiness is lowering your expectations."

"Work is what you do for money; everything else is just getting in the way."

"I once tried to be a better man. Didn't stick."

"The trouble with women is they have opinions. The trouble with men is we don't care."

"A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the queen."

"Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"You know what I love about Vera? Absolutely nothing."