Norm Peterson

"The mailman always rings twice. I'm usually not home."

"If I were any cooler, I'd be frozen solid."

"The best relationships are the ones where nobody knows each other."

"Hope springs eternal, usually into a beer glass."

"I've made more mistakes than most people make decisions."

"The key to understanding women is not understanding women."

"I'm not overweight, I'm under-tall."

"Wisdom is knowing when to keep your mouth shut. I wouldn't know."

"Success is relative. In my case, I'm relatively unsuccessful."

"The real tragedy of life is running out of beer."

"I've learned that the hard way—through years of hard drinking."

"A good friend is someone who buys you a drink. A best friend doesn't tell you how many you've had."

"Time flies when you're having fun, and crawls when you're sober."

"The only thing I'm really good at is being mediocre."

"My idea of courage is ordering another round."

"Women want honesty. I give 'em fiction."

"I've got a ten-year plan: make it to eleven."

"The beauty of life is that it doesn't require you to understand it."

"I once tried to impress a woman. Now I buy her expensive things so she'll leave me alone."

"Death is nature's way of saying hello."

"The path to enlightenment is paved with beer cans."

"I'm not a pessimist; I'm an optimist about bad things happening."

"The secret of life is telling people what they want to hear."

"If at first you don't succeed, give up. No point being a fool about it."

"Love is a four-letter word. So is beer. Coincidence?"

"The only thing I know about football is that it's round. Or oblong. Depends on the beer."

"My father was a smart man. He never gave me advice."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm pro-beer."

"The difference between me and successful people is they wake up in the morning."

"I once met a woman who understood me. I married her. Big mistake."