Norm Peterson

"History is just a bunch of stuff that already happened. Why dwell on it?"

"I once thought I was wrong, but it turned out I was mistaken."

"The pursuit of happiness is what gets you in trouble."

"I've never understood why people get married. Why spoil a perfectly good argument?"

"Success is 90% showing up and 10% hoping you don't get fired."

"The best thing about being a friend is you don't have to pretend to like them."

"Hope is what you feel when you're too drunk to despair."

"I'd face my fears if I thought it would actually help."

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and thank God for that."

"The more you know, the more you realize how little you know. So I try not to know much."

"Time is the one thing money can't buy. Which is why I waste so much of it."

"Peace of mind is what you get when you stop trying to use your mind."

"Nature is beautiful if you don't have to spend too much time in it."

"Art is subjective, which means my couch counts as a masterpiece."

"Science says I should live another 30 years. I say that's 30 years too many."

"Music to my ears is the sound of someone else's problems."

"I have faith in one thing: that I'll probably mess it up."

"A leader is someone people follow because they're too tired to lead themselves."

"I like my work like I like my women: absent."

"I tried to follow my dreams once, but I fell asleep on the way."

"Humor is the best medicine, which is why I'm so healthy."

"Beauty is only skin deep, which is why I've never looked in a mirror."

"Death would be a wonderful thing if it came with a happy hour."

"Perseverance is great if you're going somewhere. I'm not."

"I'm grateful for my health, my job, and my family. In that order, actually. Third place is the family."

"Creativity is what happens when you're too lazy to do it right."

"Justice is blind, which explains why I've gotten away with so much."

"A patient man is usually just a man who's given up."

"Being kind is great until someone takes advantage of you. Which they will."

"Strength isn't about muscles; it's about knowing when to quit."