Oscar the Grouch

"Why is everyone always trying to make me happy? It's exhausting."

"The best time is when everyone else goes away."

"I don't need friends. Friends need me to leave them alone."

"Beautiful things are overrated. Give me trash any day."

"Success is when people finally stop bothering me."

"Love? That's just an excuse to get in someone's business."

"Life's too short to smile about it."

"Hope is just disappointment waiting to happen."

"Wisdom is knowing when to tell everyone to beat it."

"I've got all the courage I need to tell you to get lost."

"Change? The only change I like is the change between seasons when it gets colder."

"Education just teaches you more reasons to be miserable."

"Knowledge is power, and I'd rather have neither."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a better trash can."

"True friendship is when someone respects your desire to never see them again."

"Family is just people you're stuck with. It's called entrapment."

"Peace is what I have when I'm alone in my trash can."

"Nature would be perfect if there were fewer people in it."

"Art is whatever I decide is art, and right now that's junk."

"Science? Sounds like a waste of time."

"Music is just noise with a schedule."

"Faith in what? That things will get worse? I already have that."

"A real leader tells everyone else what to do while staying in their trash can."

"Work is what other people do while I'm being grouchy."

"Dreams? I dream about being left alone."

"Humor is fine as long as it's at someone else's expense."

"Death would be fine if it meant fewer people around."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with a nicer name."

"Gratitude? For what? More things to be annoyed about?"

"Creativity is wasting time in a fancier way."