Patty and Selma Bouvier

"We're twins, which means we share the same DNA. Unfortunately, we also share the same bad luck."

"Another failed romance. But that's okay, there's always next time... or the time after that... or the time after that."

"Life's too short to waste it on men who don't appreciate us."

"Marge got all the good hair genes. We got stuck with the attitude."

"A cigarette a day keeps the doctor away. Or something like that."

"Working at the DMV has taught me one thing: patience is overrated."

"We may not have found true love, but we have each other. That's something, right?"

"Success is a state of mind. Unfortunately, our minds are usually focused on disappointment."

"The truth is, we're just trying to get through each day without strangling each other."

"Happiness is a warm cigarette and a cold drink."

"You can't change who you are, no matter how hard you try."

"Knowledge is power, but so is complaining."

"Time flies when you're miserable."

"Freedom means doing whatever we want, whenever we want. Which is usually nothing."

"Peace? That's for people without problems."

"Nature is nice, I guess. But give us a bar and a drink any day."

"Art is subjective. Unlike our clear, objective superiority over most people."

"Faith is hoping things will get better. They won't, but it's nice to hope."

"Leadership is telling other people what to do. We're excellent at this."

"Dreams are what you have when you're asleep and can't disappoint yourself."

"Humor is the best medicine. Second best is alcohol."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy cigarettes."

"Health is overrated. We're doing fine."

"Adventures? We're too old and tired for that."

"Imagination is for people without a reality to complain about."

"Technology makes everything worse. We preferred the old days of being unhappy without gadgets."

"History is just a record of people messing things up. Nothing's changed."

"Philosophy is pretending to understand things you don't."

"Literature? We prefer tabloids and magazines about celebrities."

"Politics is a joke. We should know; we've lived through plenty of them."