Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Nature is pretty in pictures. Real nature is dirty and inconvenient."

"Art imitates life. Both are disappointing."

"Science explains everything except why we're still single."

"Music is nice until someone plays it badly. Then it's just noise."

"Faith is for people who've given up on logic."

"Leaders are just people who are better at telling lies."

"Working for a living is what happens to people with no other options."

"Dreams are lies your brain tells you while you sleep."

"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're already miserable. Then nothing helps."

"Money makes the world go round, usually toward richer people."

"Health is a temporary condition."

"Adventure is what happens when you make a wrong turn."

"Imagination is for children and failures."

"Technology is ruining society. We should know; we work at the DMV."

"History is boring unless it's about our lives."

"Philosophy is overthinking things that don't matter."

"Literature is just long complaints in nice binding."

"Politics and cigarettes: both addictive and bad for you."

"War is terrible, but peace is boring."

"Motivation is for people with goals."

"Inspiration usually leads to disappointment."

"Relationships are like jobs: exhausting and unfulfilling."

"Solitude is just loneliness with a better attitude."

"Being wise means knowing you're a fool."

"Courage is stupidity with better PR."

"Education is what you regret wasting your time on."

"Hope dies last, but it dies."

"Impatience is our biggest virtue and our worst flaw."

"Being kind to people just encourages them."

"Strength is pretending you're not breaking inside."