Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Motivation comes from knowing things could always be worse."

"Inspiration strikes when you least expect it. Usually when you're depressed."

"Relationships are complicated. That's why we avoid them."

"Solitude sounds nice until you're actually alone with your thoughts."

"Wisdom is realizing you're not as smart as you thought."

"Courage is doing something even though it will probably fail. We do this constantly."

"Education didn't help us. Why would it help anyone else?"

"Hope is for optimists. We're pessimists, and we're usually right."

"Patience is a virtue we don't possess."

"Kindness is a weakness. Better to be honest and bitter."

"Strength comes from years of dealing with disappointment."

"Fear keeps us grounded. Fear of commitment, fear of change, fear of vegetables."

"Power corrupts, but so does powerlessness. We know from experience."

"Perseverance means not giving up, even when you should."

"Gratitude? We're too busy resenting everything."

"Creativity is wasted on people like us."

"Justice is served cold, like our hearts."

"Death might not be the worst thing that could happen."

"We're living proof that twins don't have to be close."

"Every failed date is a story we'll never tell anyone."

"The only thing constant in life is our constant complaining."

"We'd rather be right than happy. It's worked out great so far."

"Success is just failure in a better outfit."

"The truth will set you free. Or just make you angrier."

"Happiness is other people's misery. We're thrilled about their problems."

"You can't change the past, but you can definitely dwell on it."

"Knowledge is useful if you're smart enough to use it. We're not."

"Time is something that happens to other people."

"We were born free, and we've been miserable ever since."

"Peace is an illusion. War is more honest."