Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Education would've helped, but we didn't get much of that."

"Knowledge is power, but we prefer complaining."

"Time heals all wounds, but not ours - we keep reopening them."

"The truth is, we deserve better than this."

"Freedom means being free to criticize everything."

"Peace is what we'll get when we're finally dead."

"Nature is beautiful, unlike our lives."

"Art is just expensive wall decoration, like our lives are expensive time decoration."

"Science can't explain why we stay in these relationships."

"Music would be better if we weren't listening to our own sad thoughts."

"Faith is believing things will get better. We're not that delusional."

"A leader should have a plan. Our husbands just have delusions."

"Work is what we do to avoid thinking about our choices."

"Dreams are just nightmares we have while awake."

"Laughter is the best medicine for everything except our lives."

"Beauty standards are impossible, which is perfect for us."

"Death might finally bring us peace."

"Perseverance is what we call staying stuck."

"Gratitude is hard when you're grateful for nothing."

"Creativity requires hope. We're creatively hopeless."

"Justice is just revenge with better PR."

"Patience is a virtue we've mastered through forced circumstance."

"Kindness is wasted on people who don't appreciate it."

"Strength comes from accepting you're stuck."

"Fear is the only thing keeping us from making bigger mistakes."

"Power means the ability to complain louder than everyone else."

"Money solves nothing, but lack of it solves even less."

"Health is overrated when your spirit is broken."

"Adventure is for people with better luck than us."

"Imagination is what we use to fantasize about escape."