Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Our lives are like a bad episode of a worse show."

"Patience isn't a virtue, it's survival."

"We're proof that you can endure anything long enough."

"Tomorrow's always the same as today. That's the tragedy."

"Our husbands are like bad habits - hard to quit but harder to enjoy."

"We've become unbreakable by being repeatedly broken."

"Life is what happens when your plans fail spectacularly."

"Together we're stronger, mostly at making each other laugh at our misery."

"We've learned to find humor in the darkest places."

"Our love lives are like a joke nobody laughs at anymore."

"If you're going down, at least do it with style and your sister."

"Oh Marge, why do you always have to be so perfect?"

"Another day, another dollar we don't have."

"We're not bitter, we're just realistic about life's disappointments."

"Mmm, donuts. The one true source of happiness."

"Work is just something we do until we die."

"Love? That's what happens before the betrayal."

"Our dreams died around the same time our husbands did."

"Smoking is the only thing that keeps us sane."

"Selma and I are a package deal—misery loves company."

"Hope is just disappointment waiting to happen."

"We've learned that beauty fades, but cattiness is forever."

"Education? We barely survived high school."

"Time moves slowly when you're unhappy."

"The truth is, we're disasters."

"Freedom is overrated when you're stuck at the DMV."

"Peace is something other people have."

"Nature? More like a place where bugs attack you."

"Art is what we admire while eating our feelings."

"Science can't explain why our lives are so terrible."