Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Solitude sounds wonderful compared to our lives."

"Another Springfield holiday, another reason to be disappointed."

"Marge always got everything—the good husband, the decent kids."

"We peaked in high school, and it was terrible."

"Homer had the right idea about happiness—beer and stupidity."

"Work at the DMV is soul-crushing, but steady."

"Love is what you tell yourself to justify staying."

"Dreams are just things that make disappointment worse."

"If we don't smoke, we'll have to feel our feelings."

"Selma's my best friend because nobody else will tolerate us."

"Hope is for people with better luck."

"We're not vain, we're just realistic about aging."

"School taught us nothing useful about real life."

"Time passes slower when you're stuck in a routine."

"The truth is nobody really cares what we think."

"We're trapped by our own choices."

"Serenity is for those with actual lives."

"Nature is beautiful from inside with air conditioning."

"Fine art is wasted on the masses."

"Science can't fix our personalities."

"Good music is for people with good lives."

"We have faith that things will get worse."

"Leaders are just failures in charge."

"We're the best employees because we have no hope."

"Our real dream is escaping our own lives."

"Sarcasm is the only thing keeping us alive."

"We gave up on being beautiful decades ago."

"At least death would be a change of pace."

"We persist because what else can we do?"

"We're grateful we're not worse off."