Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Beauty fades, but bitterness lasts forever."

"Education won't save you from a meaningless existence."

"The truth is usually disappointing, so why bother learning it?"

"Dreams are what happen to other people."

"Hope is for people with better lives than ours."

"Courage is overrated when cowardice is so convenient."

"Change is inevitable, but unfortunately not always for the better."

"Knowledge just gives you more things to worry about."

"We're not unkind; we're just exhausted by life's nonsense."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it buys cigarettes and gin."

"Perseverance is just suffering extended."

"We're grateful for nothing, which keeps us consistently disappointed."

"Creativity is wasted on people like us."

"Justice? Ha! We'll never see any."

"Patience is a virtue we abandoned years ago."

"Strength? We don't need strength, we have cigarettes."

"Fear keeps us from trying, which is actually comforting."

"Power belongs to people with ambition. We have none."

"Health is just the slowest way to die."

"Adventure? We tried it once. Hated it."

"Imagination is wasted on the depressed."

"Technology will only find new ways to disappoint us."

"History shows us that things have always been terrible."

"Philosophy is just depression with big words."

"Literature confirms that life is pointless."

"Politics is a joke, but nobody's laughing."

"War and peace are equally unsatisfying."

"Motivation is for people with direction."

"Inspiration comes and goes, mostly goes."

"Relationships are just elaborate disappointments."