Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Our creative outlet is complaining."

"The system is rigged against people like us."

"We're impatient, which is why we're still here."

"Being nice never got us anywhere."

"Our strength is that we don't quit."

"Fear of the future is rational planning."

"We have zero power over anything."

"Money would buy happiness, we're almost sure."

"Our health is average for our mistakes."

"Adventure usually ends in regret."

"Imagination is our escape route."

"Computers have made things worse somehow."

"History's winners were probably as bitter as us."

"We've thought about philosophy—it's depressing."

"Books about happy people just make us angry."

"Politicians are corrupt, like everyone else."

"War and peace both sound exhausting."

"Motivation comes from spite, mostly."

"Inspiration? We're past that age."

"Relationships are just habit with documents."

"Solitude sounds nice until you're actually alone."

"Oh Marge, why do you insist on making us look like fools?"

"We're not bitter, we're just realistic about life's disappointments."

"Another failed diet. At least we have each other to commiserate with."

"Work is just something we do until we can retire and do nothing."

"Love? That's what other people have. We have cigarettes."

"Success is overrated. Failure is much more comfortable."

"Time moves so slowly when you're miserable, which is perfect for us."

"The only constant in life is disappointment and cheap wine."

"We've learned that happiness is just temporary insanity."