Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Music is depressing, like everything else."

"Faith? We lost that years ago."

"Leadership is just bossing people around."

"We've worked every terrible job imaginable."

"Our only dream now is early retirement."

"Humor helps us cope with the void."

"Beauty sleep is a myth—we've tried."

"Death might be preferable to this."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with a better name."

"We're grateful for nothing, as usual."

"Creativity is wasted on people like us."

"Justice is for people with money."

"Patience is something we don't have."

"Kindness gets you nowhere in this world."

"The only strength we have is our friendship."

"Fear is our constant companion."

"Power? We're powerless."

"Money would solve everything, obviously."

"Health is just a slower way to die."

"Adventure is what happens when things go wrong."

"Imagination helps us escape this nightmare."

"Technology makes everything worse."

"History is full of people as miserable as us."

"Philosophy? We just accept our fate."

"Literature is sadder than real life."

"Politics is a con game for idiots."

"War, peace—it's all depressing."

"We're not motivated, we're obligated."

"Inspiration comes from other people's misery."

"Relationships are just long-term disappointments."