Patty and Selma Bouvier

"Technology can't fix what's wrong with our lives."

"History is just a catalog of human failure. We're living it."

"Philosophy means thinking about how bad things are. We're experts."

"Literature lets us live better lives. Ours are still terrible."

"Politics are as messy as our makeup after crying."

"War is what happens when people get tired of talking. We never get tired."

"Motivation comes from spite and schadenfreude."

"Inspiration strikes everyone except us."

"Relationships are a slow form of torture you sign up for."

"Solitude is just another word for lonely."

"We're living proof that love doesn't conquer all."

"Happiness is a temporary state we've forgotten."

"Success to us means making it through another day."

"Family is what you're stuck with forever. Sadly."

"Hope springs eternal, but so does disappointment."

"Courage is admitting things are terrible and continuing anyway."

"The only change we want is to change our husbands."

"Wisdom is knowing you should've quit long ago."

"Life gets worse, not better. We're experts on this."

"Friendship means someone else who understands the pain."

"The best times are when we're smoking and complaining together."

"Cigarettes have never let us down like people have."

"Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

"We've given up on happiness and settled for adequate."

"Two heads are better than one, but our husbands have none."

"Money can't buy us love, but it could buy us peace."

"We're living the ultimate cautionary tale."

"The best part of our day is when we're gossiping."

"Sisterhood means shared misery and shared smokes."

"We didn't have a meeting of the minds, we had a merger of mistakes."