Ron Swanson

"I have no time for games or riddles. I'm a simple man with simple tastes."

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

"The best way to understand the human experience is to read the letters of great men."

"Breakfast food is my favorite food group. Breakfast food can be eaten at any time of day."

"I'd rather have a hand grenade than a telephone."

"Crying: it's just peeing, but from your eyes."

"The government wants to run all three branches of government. I'm going to make sure it doesn't."

"Friends don't exist. Only competitors and people who haven't stabbed you yet."

"I would rather watch a woman enjoy a delicious meal than enjoy the meal myself."

"Ignore the sensible advice of those around you and do what feels right."

"I'm like a fireman. When I go to work, people are happy to see me."

"Women are beautiful, complex creatures. I do not understand them."

"When I eat, I do not think about anything else. Food is what I'm doing."

"The only way to get what you want in this world is through hard work and determination."

"I'm the boss. I know better than everyone else."

"I have seventeen bookshelves of philosophy and history. I have read them all."

"Hunting and killing are not just sport. They're necessary skills."

"I can hear you, but I'm not listening."

"Skim milk masquerades as a food. It is not. If I'm going to take in nutrients, they should be palatable."

"I respect anyone who works hard. Cowards and lazy people disgust me."

"Money is the best thing in the world."

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, sweet gasoline."

"The right to swear is something I hold very dear."

"I've been a civil servant for twenty years. I believe government should be run like a business."

"I want to make things. Real things. Solid things."

"One last thing: I'm very tired."

"Give me all the bacon and eggs you have."

"Sex metaphors are not my style. Let's just say I make furniture, and I'm very good at it."

"I have a strong admiration for Teddy Roosevelt."

"I'm not a fan of the 1980s. Too much jewelry."