Stanley Hudson

"I don't have hobbies. I have obligations."

"People think I'm cynical. I'm just realistic."

"I've worked here for years. That's either a testament to my patience or my lack of options."

"Revenge is a dish best served cold. Like a pretzel."

"I'm not angry. I'm just better at hiding it than most people."

"The secret to marriage is giving up and accepting your fate."

"Ambition is for people who don't understand their limitations."

"I've seen things at this office that would make a grown man cry. I didn't cry."

"The only constant in life is disappointment. And pretzel day."

"I don't need friends. I have coworkers I tolerate."

"Family obligations are like work. You show up and do what's required."

"Hope is what kills you slowly instead of quickly."

"Change is always bad. Usually."

"Peace is when everyone stops talking to you."

"Nature is fine for people who enjoy bugs and dirt."

"Art is something rich people pretend to understand."

"Science proves what I already know. Everything stinks."

"I've learned more from my mistakes than from anyone's advice."

"The best day is when nobody talks to me."

"I don't dream. Sleep is just unconsciousness interrupted by alarms."

"Money is the only thing that motivates people. The rest is lies."

"I don't celebrate much. It's usually disappointing."

"The key to success is doing exactly what's required and nothing more."

"Education teaches you things you'll never use."

"Time is the one thing you can't get back. So waste it wisely."

"Truth is overrated. Most people can't handle it anyway."

"Freedom is working somewhere else."

"I'm not pessimistic. I'm just prepared for the worst."

"Pretzel day is the only day I come to work happy."

"I don't like change. I like things how they were never good."