Cheers

"The path to enlightenment is paved with beer cans."

"Death is nature's way of saying hello."

"I once tried to impress a woman. Now I buy her expensive things so she'll leave me alone."

"The beauty of life is that it doesn't require you to understand it."

"I've got a ten-year plan: make it to eleven."

"Women want honesty. I give 'em fiction."

"My idea of courage is ordering another round."

"The only thing I'm really good at is being mediocre."

"Time flies when you're having fun, and crawls when you're sober."

"A good friend is someone who buys you a drink. A best friend doesn't tell you how many you've had."

"I've learned that the hard way—through years of hard drinking."

"The real tragedy of life is running out of beer."

"Success is relative. In my case, I'm relatively unsuccessful."

"Wisdom is knowing when to keep your mouth shut. I wouldn't know."

"I'm not overweight, I'm under-tall."

"The key to understanding women is not understanding women."

"I've made more mistakes than most people make decisions."

"Hope springs eternal, usually into a beer glass."

"The best relationships are the ones where nobody knows each other."

"If I were any cooler, I'd be frozen solid."

"The mailman always rings twice. I'm usually not home."

"You know what I love about Vera? Absolutely nothing."

"Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the queen."

"The trouble with women is they have opinions. The trouble with men is we don't care."

"I once tried to be a better man. Didn't stick."

"Work is what you do for money; everything else is just getting in the way."

"The secret to happiness is lowering your expectations."

"Life is like a box of chocolates—eventually someone puts a cherry cordial in, and everything goes wrong."

"I'm an expert at many things, mostly avoiding expertise."