Cheers

"The only thing worse than a woman who nags is a woman who doesn't care enough to nag."

"You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a man by his beer."

"I've never lied. I've been mistaken several thousand times, but never lied."

"The best time to drink a beer is right now."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"You know what's funny about life? Nothing, but you laugh anyway."

"I've got ten things I want to do before I die, and they all involve Vera."

"My stomach's made of cast iron and my brain's made of beer."

"Success is just a matter of showing up and blending in."

"Fairy tales are real. I'm living in one, and it's a horror movie."

"The difference between men and women is that women can drive and still be angry."

"If I had a nickel for every time I said I'd never have another beer, I could buy the whole brewery."

"I once knew a man who was straight-arrow, and let me tell you—he was miserable."

"Wood. It's not just for the wood anymore."

"As a mailman, my life is a never-ending circle."

"The key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time."

"I don't have feelings, I have beer."

"Everybody's got a little mean streak in 'em."

"I'm thinking of a number between one and infinity."

"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."

"It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."

"Solitude is underrated and everyone should try it more often."

"Relationships are just two people agreeing to tolerate each other's nonsense."

"Inspiration is fleeting, but irritation lasts forever."

"Motivation comes from spite, mostly."

"War is what happens when diplomacy fails, usually on both sides."

"Politics is a dirty game played by people dirtier than the game."

"Literature teaches empathy, which I have for the right people."

"Philosophy without whiskey is just talking to yourself."

"History is the study of people making the same mistakes repeatedly."