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"Education is wasted on people like you."

"Change is inevitable, and usually terrible."

"You know what I love about you guys? Absolutely nothing, but here we are."

"The universe makes no sense, and I'm tired of pretending it does."

"I should've been an only child. Everything would be better."

"Success is just not failing as badly as everyone else."

"Friendship is great until everyone becomes completely unbearable."

"I'm too tired for this. Wake me when you all develop basic competence."

"You can't fix stupid, but you can certainly try to manage it."

"Life is just a series of people disappointing you. Get used to it."

"I've seen better planning from a goldfish."

"Brendon, your ideas are terrible, but at least you commit to them."

"This is exactly why I work alone most of the time."

"You know what? I'm done explaining basic logic to you people."

"I don't have time for this nonsense. I have actual things to do."

"Someone has to be the voice of reason, and it's clearly not going to be any of you."

"You guys are all idiots, but you're MY idiots."

"I'm Paula Small, and I'm basically the only one with any sense around here."

"The only constant is change, and change is usually inconvenient."

"Happiness is a choice, but not an easy one."

"I don't compromise my values, and I don't expect others to either."

"The best advice is the advice people don't want to hear."

"Trust is earned, not given, and most people don't understand that."

"I'm not trying to be profound, I'm just observing."

"The unexamined life isn't worth living, and most people don't examine theirs."

"You can't control what happens, only how you respond to it."

"Life is too short for fake people and bad coffee."

"I respect people who know their limits and admit them."

"The things that are worth doing are usually the hardest."

"Understanding people is the most useful skill you can develop."