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"I'm not awkward; I'm just authentically uncomfortable all the time."

"People always say follow your dreams, but nobody mentions the commute."

"Sleep is the best thing that happens to me on a daily basis."

"Gratitude is remembering that things could be worse, and they probably will be eventually."

"I aspire to be the kind of person who has their life together on a Wednesday."

"The best part about being an adult is that nobody can tell you what to do, and the worst part is the same thing."

"Friendship is finding someone whose weird matches your weird."

"I'm saving up all my good decisions for when they really matter."

"The internet is proof that everyone's weird; we just needed a platform to show it."

"Maturity is when you stop doing stupid things and start appreciating the stupidity in others."

"I've never been great at reading the room, mostly because I'm not sure there's a room."

"Everything looks worse at 3 AM, which is when I do most of my thinking."

"If you're not making mistakes, you're not trying hard enough, or you're not trying at all."

"Life's too short to waste time on people who don't make you laugh."

"The only way to win is to not play, which is why I lose constantly."

"Success is failing better than everyone else."

"I'm not lazy; I'm just energy-efficient."

"Happiness isn't about having everything; it's about not noticing what you're missing."

"People are weird, and that's probably the most normal thing about them."

"I like to think of myself as a work in progress, which sounds better than 'complete disaster.'"

"The worst part about being right is that you still have to deal with everyone else being wrong."

"Solitude is nice until you remember you have to live with yourself."

"Relationships are where you learn that nobody's as normal as you thought."

"Inspiration is a nice word for 'panic before a deadline.'"

"Motivation is great until you realize you have to actually do the thing."

"War is what happens when diplomacy fails and people get really, really mad."

"Politics is the worst game because everyone loses but nobody quits."

"Literature is how dead people talk to us, which is kind of amazing if you think about it."

"Philosophy is what you think about when you can't fall asleep."

"History is just people making the same mistakes over and over again."